i am terrified right now
i don’t want to sleep because i don’t want to wake
when i wake i repeat and all of that passion that haunts my mind repeats right beside me
This constant fear
This constant anxiety that doesn’t let loose of my neck and the pit of my stomach
It’s slowly eating away
Eating away until there is no more to eat, and then it will begin chasing the crumbs
This is not fake, it is not a phase that ends once those around you decide it’s over
This is real.
Real and terrifying and a struggle I face alone
But I am not alone
That may be how it feels, but I am physically not alone
There are people around me who care, yet these people refuse to loosen the tie of their blindfold, even just a bit so that a little twinkle of light can reach their eye
Because if only this light poked at their eyes it would instead shatter them
It would break them just as it is breaking me, and for that reason, they instead find the words that tighten its grip and manipulate their conscience
I am not alone but I am scared
I am scared of confronting that realization that I am alone
Alone and forced to struggle with my scars, my complexities, while allowing myself to see the light in others stories as well
Why do i do this to myself?
Why do I do this to myself!
A bigger gasp for air each time
When will it stop?
When will it stop!?
It won’t, even when you stop it will instead follow you beyond the wall of light
It will forever be implemented as a lesson to your soul, something some say was predestined none other than you, yourself.
And yet that very belief poses the next question,
Why do I do this to myself?
Why…why..why.
