i am terrified right now

i don’t want to sleep because i don’t want to wake 

when i wake i repeat and all of that passion that haunts my mind repeats right beside me 

This constant fear

This constant anxiety that doesn’t let loose of my neck and the pit of my stomach 

It’s slowly eating away

Eating away until there is no more to eat, and then it will begin chasing the crumbs 

This is not fake, it is not a phase that ends once those around you decide it’s over 

This is real. 

Real and terrifying and a struggle I face alone 

But I am not alone 

That may be how it feels, but I am physically not alone

There are people around me who care, yet these people refuse to loosen the tie of their blindfold, even just a bit so that a little twinkle of light can reach their eye

Because if only this light poked at their eyes it would instead shatter them

It would break them just as it is breaking me, and for that reason, they instead find the words that tighten its grip and manipulate their conscience 

I am not alone but I am scared 

I am scared of confronting that realization that I am alone 

Alone and forced to struggle with my scars, my complexities, while allowing myself to see the light in others stories as well 

Why do i do this to myself? 

Why do I do this to myself!

A bigger gasp for air each time

When will it stop?

When will it stop!?

It won’t, even when you stop it will instead follow you beyond the wall of light

It will forever be implemented as a lesson to your soul, something some say was predestined none other than you, yourself. 

And yet that very belief poses the next question, 

Why do I do this to myself?

Why…why..why.