Late last Sunday, the university’s dining services put out an announcement on their Instagram to promote the latest seafood item coming to FOD. The post—which was seen by over five students—detailed a new and ethnic-sounding dish: Salmon Scombroid! Consisting of “ultra-fresh” salmon cooked on high in a non-stick “chef pan,” this delicious combination of sweet and sour marinade and Hudson-to-table flakey fish is sure to keep you busy from first bite to last flush.
Some students have taken to the university’s official communication app, YikYak, to rave about the new item. One user wrote: “I always hate wondering if this is going to be the day the chicken tenders take me out. With the Salmon Scombroid, I don’t have to guess! One smell, and I knew I’d be able to avoid midterms!”
Another satisfied customer wrote: “My roommate hasn’t moved in over 6 hours. He’s starting to bloat.”
While the reviews so far have been overwhelmingly positive, some detractors did make their voices known. CDC Director Mandy K. Cohen has warned potential diners of a slight potential for adverse effects upon consumption.
Dr. Cohen wrote to the university: “I cannot believe I have to deal with you people again. First, it’s the undercooked chicken, now this? Holy shit, it’s not that hard to make something that won’t kill your student body. At this point, I’m considering declaring your campus a no-go zone. I mean, ‘Salmon Scombroid?’ Are any of you even a little subtle? You’re going to give otherwise healthy students food poisoning because you couldn’t store your seafood properly?!
As of the writing of this article, no student has reported adverse or unexpected effects of the dish.
While the critics are talking, let’s look at the mind behind this latest culinary masterpiece. We sat down in an exclusive interview with Charlie the Charger, who answered some of the most pressing questions regarding the new item.
Interviewer: So, Charlie, I hear it was you who came up with the idea for the Scombroid. How did you do it?
Charlie: Well, I think it’s important to recognize that no one works alone, not even me! I had a team with nearly every single donor in it, and they all pitched in. One of them recommended we look into stretching FOD’s resources, and another complained about the smoked salmon. When you get into a brainstorming session like that, it’s really not about who comes up with what, but what we all come up with.
Interviewer: Wow, that’s powerful stuff. Would you say that this is a bold new turn in the seafood market, or is this just another seasonal item?
Charlie: While I can’t really comment on future changes to the menu, I will say the overwhelmingly positive response to this addition to our food family is a real motivator to keep introducing new items. On top of that, with the amount of money we’re saving on our food stocks, we can afford to keep the meal plan price increase relatively minor this time around. Students returning in the fall can look forward to paying only a 67% increase in dining costs!
Interviewer: Now, that is just excellent. I’m sure the business majors would love to pick your brains about your profit margins. You mentioned the warm reception that students have afforded the dish. Can you talk a little about Dr. Cohen’s reaction:
Charlie: I sure can! We’ve taken every precaution to ensure that our valued students will not experience any unexpected effects from our dish while in our dining halls. In fact, we’ve recently hired extra security to kindly, but quickly, escort any upset students out of the dining hall and onto our state-of-the-art single parking spot to relieve themselves if need be.
Interviewer: Well, I must say this all sounds so exciting. A new menu item, rave reviews, and even the attention of the Director of the CDC! It looks like all that money we spent on that athlete-only gym really paid off!
Charlie: I don’t think we could have even come up with the Salmon Scombroid unless we really needed to budget. As I’m sure some of the cut humanities programs probably taught: ‘It’s the restrictions that really inspire creativity.’ Thinking outside the box isn’t usually our strong suit, but without the help of Chat GPT, we really would have been scrambling to find something to replace the menu items everyone likes.
Interviewer: And we couldn’t be happier that you did. Shifting focus for a minute, many student organizations have requested more dietary options on campus. I know that with the inclusion of more salmon dishes, the option for something like a kosher menu becomes more likely. Has the administration discussed any plans to introduce anything like that?
Charlie: No.
We here at the Horseshoe Magazine would like to thank Charlie the Charger for his time. Please check in the next publication when we discuss our latest investigation into social media activism. As it turns out, politicians do see your Instagram stories, and they’re just one post away from doing exactly what you want them to!
